It’s almost Christmas! Merry Christmas, everyone! Unfortunately, it’s still 2020 and we’re still in the middle of a pandemic though. So, that probably means that we’re headed into the worst Christmas season of our lifetimes. Might as well double down on it! That’s why I’m going to be going over some of the worst Christmas movies of all-time. This is the sixth entry to this series and possibly one of the weirdest.
For the second day in a row, I hesitate to call what I just watched a movie. And, not surprisingly, both were produced by the same person. Don’t worry though. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny does move. I’m not sure I could watch another feature length powerpoint presentation. No, what makes this movie stand out is even stranger. After producing Santa’s Christmas Elf (Named Calvin), this producer made two movies based on fairy tales. They were Jack and the Beanstalk and Thumbelina. Then, he dove back into Christmas with this movie. Why are those other two movies relevant you may ask? Well, because Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is not a feature length movie. It’s a framework wrapped around those previous movies. In other words, it’s just lazy repackaging. And once you know that it shows.
The plot to this “movie” is ridiculously simple. Santa’s sleigh gets stuck in the sands of a Florida beach. For some reason, he’s forced to sit there in the beating sun without taking off his suit. Also, he’s crazy thin and obviously wearing a fake beard, but that’s neither here nor there. Suffering, he calls to the children of the area for help. They run to him and try using several different animals, from a horse to a gorilla, to pull Santa’s sleigh out. Nothing works and they start to give up. As motivation, Santa tells the kids a story. This is when the movie cuts away to one of the other movies. Apparently, there’s a 50/50 shot on which version you’d see. I had the pleasure of viewing the Jack and the Beanstalk cut. (I was going to look for the Thumbelina cut, but then I determined that I’d already done my time. I was free.) After the story, a rabbit in a fire truck pulls up to save Santa. Now, you might think this is the Easter Bunny. You’d be wrong. He’s the Ice Cream Bunny. Don’t ask what that means. They don’t explain anything. And that’s that.
So, when all is said and done, the budget for this movie was maaaaybe $500. All they had to do was pay two adult actors (Santa and the bunny/gorilla) and a handful of child actors, build a prop sleigh, rent a firetruck, buy a couple costumes, write a few crappy songs, and film. And, obviously, they did this all in an afternoon or without even the slightest bit of effort. Even the sound feels like it was rushed. I can’t understand half of what was said. It’s like they forgot to turn the proper equipment on, but were too lazy to fix it. I’ve seen some half assed movies before but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anything this blatantly lazy.
Luckily, the version of Jack and the Beanstalk in the middle of this was a bit better. It’s still not anywhere close to being good, but you can tell some effort went into it. Quality wise, it’s about on par with your average middle school play. There’s nothing new or original here. It’s a story you’ve seen a million times. The budget is extremely low. The singing is godawful. The acting isn’t much better. There’s a ton of filler, which is crazy for something that runs at 40ish minutes. And, the costumes look like the characters just roamed in off the street. But, there’s a coherent plot. The sound mix is way better. And, it looks like at least the tiniest bit of effort went into it.
Man, I can’t anymore with this producer. He’s making me compliment even the most basic things. Oh, at least this movie has motion! At least the sound is good! It’s boring but at least there’s a coherent plot! I wish I could be complimented on the most basic things. Dylan laid in bed all day but at least he didn’t poop his pants! He didn’t clean his house, but at least he’s not a murderer! That’s how I feel complimenting this dude’s work. I’m done. I can’t talk about this anymore. His work is pure garbage made on the cheap in the hopes of raising a couple bucks. Stay as far away as you can. This stuff is pathetic. Bring on the next disaster. Hopefully they at least tried.