Greetings, everyone. Welcome to today’s entry in Dyl’s Worst Life Day… er, Christmas Ever. For those of you who’ve not been following along, I’m ringing in this holiday season by watching some of the worst Christmas movies ever made. It’s been… interesting. We’ve really had some stinkers. But, today is extra special. We get to talk about one of my favorite franchises of all-time and one of the biggest missteps in its history.
Yes! Today we will be talking about The Star Wars Holiday Special. Now, not to give too much away but I’ve already watched this once this year. It was pretty good actually. Not my favorite Star Wars content but it was good for a chuckle. I especially liked the part where Rey went back in time and met up with… Wait. You mean the old one don’t you? Shit.
Ok. To be real with you, this is not my first time seeing The Star Wars Holiday Special. It’s not even the second. This is the third time I’ve suffered through this garbage. And, yes, it’s as bad as everyone says it is. This isn’t like The Last Jedi or The Phantom Menace. Despite how you feel about them, those are actually pretty decently made movies. Nah, this is trash. Universally hated by the entire fandom. Bottom of the barrell. Shouldn’t even count as Star Wars trash. Even George Lucas is embarrassed by this and he produced Strange Magic.
For those of you lucky enough to not be aware, The Star Wars Holiday Special is about Chewbacca’s family waiting for him to get home so they can celebrate Life Day. We never really leave their house. So, for most of the runtime, we’re left empathizing and reacting to people in bigfoot costumes. I don’t know if it’s the fact that the costumes are a lot cheaper or that someone as talented as Peter Mayhew wasn’t in them, but them guys are a lot harder to like than Chewbacca is too. In fact, it’s often hard to not be straight up afraid of them. Especially Chewie’s son, Lumpy. That kid has serial killer eyes. Also, as you know, Wookiees can’t speak English. So, there’s not a ton of dialogue here. Most of it is just them screaming and making eyes at each other. It’s really a fascinatingly bad decision. This should’ve been our hint that maybe Lucas wasn’t quite the infallible genius we thought he was.
But, don’t worry. The Wookiees aren’t just sitting around and waiting. They’re watching tv too! And we get to watch them watch tv! We get a look into what entertainment is like in the Star Wars universe! And… I wish we hadn’t. Because apparently there’s nothing good on in a galaxy far, far away. The first program we see is this bizarre, holographic circus that Lumpy puts on. It looks like it was taken out of Whoville with a soundtrack borrowed from Pennywise. Then, Chewie’s wife watches a cooking show. The joke here is that its a guy in drag with multiple arms going too fast so she can’t keep up. Hilarious! Honestly, wherever I think about this special, the first thing that comes to mind is the dude just repeating “Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir” over and over and over again. Because that’s what this segment is. And it’s awful. Then, Grandpa straight up watches VR porn in the middle of the living room. It’s legitimately his “fantasy girl” talking about how cute she thinks he is and going into their “pleasure zones.” Even one of the producers admitted that softcore pornograhy was the ultimate goal here. Because when I think of Star Wars or Christmas, I instantly think of porn. That’s what Disney’s sequels have really been missing. There’s no dirty old man playing his favorite porn moments over and over.
Then, the excitement goes through the roof on this special. The Empire shows up! They’re looking for Chewbacca! What is going to happen! Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be exciting. They’ll definitely try to match the action seen in the previous year’s original movie, righ? Or the troopers will just join our characters in watching tv. That’s cool too I guess. While the soldiers are there, the shows do get at least a little better. We watch a cool performance by Jefferson Starship, for some reason. Then, they cut to maybe one of the weirdest segments in Star Wars history. Bea Arhtur, yes that Bea Arthur from Golden Girls, is a bartender on Tattooine. We see many of the costumes from the original movie return. But, the atmosphere in this bar is decidedly more friendly. There’s no blasting. There’s no fighting. There are no criminals making deals in the corner. No. In this hive of scum and villainy, they dance. They sing. They flirt. And, they cry when it’s time to leave. Apparently, Obi-Wan just took Luke to the wrong bar. The one nextdoor is much friendlier. Anyways, we also see a cartoon of Luke, Han, and Chewie meeting Boba Fett for the first time. If this were its own standalone cartoon, it’d be one of the worst things Star Wars has done. But, in its current state, surrounded by shit, it’s not so bad. Actually seeing the characters go on an adventure is a fun change of pace. Plus, this is the first appearance of Boba Fett! How cool is that! I wish it were better. The animation is all wonky though and the story isn’t really that good. Plus, why is there a cartoon based on real rebels being shown on local television. Wouldn’t The Empire put a stop to that? Still, it’s a million lightyears better than anything else we see throughout this special so I can’t complain much.
Speaking of the rebels, Han and Chewie finally show up. They throw the stormtrooper out of the house in one of the rare moments of actual action. Then, it’s celebration time. All of the original trilogy stars join the Wookiees (wearing their best Snuggies) at the Tree of Life. Mark Hamill is decked out in more makeup than James Charles on an average Tuesday. Harrison Ford looks like he’d rather be just about anywhere else. More than usual even. And, Carrie Fisher looks high as a freaking kite. Then, they sing a song. It’s this weird Christmas song that’s trying to go along with the beat of the Star Wars theme song, but just does not work. The lyrics are bad. It doesn’t really fit with the background music. Poor Carrie tried her best. Her voice is beautiful. But, there’s no saving this one. Then, the movie wraps up with a montage of some of the best moments in the original movie. I guess just to remind the kids at home that they actually do like Star Wars, regardless of how bad these last few hours have been.
And that’s the Star Wars Holiday Special in all its weird sketch comedy, celebrity cameo, musical segment, porn watching, grunting and groaning, boring glory. It really, really, really sucks ass. You can even ask anyone involved. Or don’t if you ever want to talk to them again. Lucas has been known to walk out of interviews where it’s brought up. Ford has said he’d rather kill himself than make another. Only Carrie Fisher has really talked openly about it. This really is THE single most embarrassing thing that’s happened to Star Wars. If you think it’s anything Disney did, you need to educate yourself a bit more. Even with the franchise starting to embrace it (with references in The Mandalorian and the new special), there’s no form of official release because every single person is ashamed of it. And now I’ve seen it three times. Yay?