Hello, everyone! Welcome back to Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever, where we go through and review some of the worst Christmas movies ever made. I’m about 1/3rd of the way through the challenge and have been stuck in a bit of a horror rut lately. That trend continues today as well. Is it at least watchable like the first Silent Night, Deadly Night? Or, even better yet, is it “so bad, it’s good” like the second? Let’s jump into it and find out.
The main thing that sticks out in Elves is the fact that the plot is balls to the wall insane. It involves, of course, killer elves. But, I guess they’re also Nazis? I don’t get it. Appently, Hitler and the Nazis had a thing for elves. They knew that they could use them as the master race. Because they are strong, fast, and basically indestructible, they’d be the perfect soldiers. So, they created this whole scheme where a virgin aryan woman would have to mate with an elf on Christmas Eve after hell fills up. Their offspring would lead to the perfect race, thus fulfilling Hitler’s legacy. I guess. Also, our lead character’s grandpa slept with her mom, who then gave birth to her. Because I guess that’s the best way to keep those aryan genes strong. I don’t know. It’s very complex and weird. Long story short, a bunch of Nazis are trying to get this girl to sleep with a killer elf from hell.
So, now that you are at least semi-familiar with the plot, you might be intrigued to give the movie a watch. I would not advise it. It’s a pretty dull, bad movie watching experience. Sure, there are definitely moments that’ll stick with me. For example, there’s the little brother spying on his naked sister. When he’s caught, he defends himself by saying “I’m not a pervert. I like looking at naked ladies.” and “You’ve got big fucking tits and I’m gonna tell everyone I saw them.” Yeah, that’s not a pervert at all. Perfectly normal things to say about your sister. Worst of all, this is never brought up again. It’s a weird like two minute scene and then he’s supposed to be the loveable, innocent little brother from that point on. Like, why does this scene even exist if it’s not some weird character development. Then there’s a handful of wonderful one-liners like, “How many teeth do you have?” *Punch* “How many now?” And, of course, there is the elf himself who is the ugliest puppet/guy in a suit you’ve ever seen. I’m not even sure it moves all that properly. How am I supposed to be scared of something with the movement of a toddler who just learned how to walk? Seriously, just push this thing over and run. It’d take him at least an hour to stand back up. But, unfortunately, all of this good stuff is surrounded by an hour and a half of crap. It’s just not worth it. There’s not enough good bad to balance out the bad bad.
But, if you have any interest at all in Elves, there is something I can recommend. A very awesome YouTuber put together a video titled “Elves (1989) in Five Minutes.” I’d highly advise checking it out. It gives you everything you need to know about this disaster. The plot is outlined. It shows off some of the more ridiculous moments. And, it’s only a five minute sacrifice. Trust me. That’s all you need. Anything else would be a waste. Take it from someone who’d know.