Hey there, brother! Welcome back to Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever. It’s Christmas season 2020, so I figured I’d go through and review some of the worst Christmas movies ever. And, well, we’ve got another interesting one today. One that’s quite a bit different from anything else I’ve seen so far. Let’s jump into it.
Our movie today is Santa with Muscles. In it, Hulk Hogan plays a self-made, greedy millionaire who is hit on the head and tricked into thinking he’s Santa Claus. From there, he helps save an orphanage from another greedy millionaire. And, I’ll give you one guess as to what the biggest problem in this movie is. Just one. Think about it for like two seconds. Ready. One. Two. It’s Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan is a national treasure. He’s an icon for a reason. Everything about his wrestling persona works. But, do you know what Hulk Hogan isn’t very good at? Being anything but Hulk Hogan. And this movie is all the evidence I need to prove that. His line reading is stale. He’s not super funny. And, he just looks extremely awkward in that Santa suit. Like, it looks like a weird sex thing levels of awkward. Also, his character is on the run from the police. From what they show, it seems to be from a paintball fight that got out of hand. But, these police seem really into catching him. Like, they bring out a bazooka at one point. They don’t do that for a little bit of aggressive paintballing! Mix that with the fact that he’s really good at fighting. I think this guy is a massive criminal! Like a terrorist or something! It’s the only explanation. I cannot root for this guy until I figure out what his past crimes are.
Don’t worry though. Despite the title, this movie has more to it than a buff, oddly sexual looking Santa Claus. There are also a ridiculously over the top rogues gallery. These guys could be B-list Batman villains! You know, like the ones that the Adam West series just made up so a celebrity could make a cameo. Not any of the good villains. In this case, our lead villain is a germaphobe… I think. Or he actually has a super weak immune system. I don’t know. The joke is that he’s afraid of germs. Everything in his house is wrapped in plastic, he needs areas sanitized before he enters, and he wears a hazmat suit everywhere. Which is something to laugh at in 1996 but a real lifestyle choice in 2020. He’s also got a collection of henchmen wandering around with him. There’s a doctor who knows kung fu and makes bad puns. We’ve got a dude obsessed with gas, for some reason. A semi-racist portrayal of a sumo wrestler. And, a woman with Black Widow-esque electricity gloves. You know… for shocking people. Oh, and there’s an archeologist themed guy. It’s never explained at all. He makes one joke about turning someone into a fossil early on and is just there for the rest of the movie. I don’t understand. Am I missing something? Are archeologists scary? Anyways, this group wants to take over an orphanage because there are diamonds under it. Like, we see a mine very similar to the one in Snow White. But, also, these diamonds explode? Yeah, don’t ask me.
But, yeah, this movie is just as bad as you’d expect. I mean, it’s very much not a good sign that I hadn’t heard of this movie until I was an adult. I was born in 1992. I grew up on bad action comedies that were made for children. Do you know how many times I’ve seen Jingle All the Way? Too many! This movie fits into that same mold very nicely. But not once did any parent, family member, teacher, or daycare worker go “You know what, we should show the children Santa with Muscles.” Not a single damn time did anyone even mention this movie to me or any other child I was around growing up. They didn’t want to subject us to that torture. That alone says something. It’s so much worse than all of the shitty movies I grew up on. Plus, according to Wikipedia, it’s produced by Jordan Belfort. As in, Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in The Wolf of Wall Street, Jordan Belfort. ISide note: where was that scene in your movie, Mr. Scorsese?) This was probably a scam. This has got to be money laundering or something, right? It’s the only explanation for how something this terrible could ever exist. This many bad decisions don’t get made by people with good intentions. They just just don’t. I see you, Belfort. I see you.
Side note: Both Mila Kunis and the guy who played Jackie’s dad are in this movie two years before That 70s Show started. It doesn’t help make the movie better, but it’s a fun fact. Also, it makes it even harder for me to believe that Kunis tricked the producers of that show into thinking she’s 18 when this is what she looked like two years prior.