Hello! Welcome to Dyl’s Movie Stuff. For the past couple of weeks, we’ve been counting down the worst Christmas movies of all-time. It’s going about as well as you’d expect. There’s just a ton of Christmas crap out there and most of it is not even fun to watch. It’s just there. And it’s bad. But, still, the quest for the worst continues. Today we’re back in Christmas horror territory. Which is great. Didn’t have much good to say the last time I was here, but let’s see if this trip gives us better results.
Santa’s Slay is a horror film that was released in 2005 about a murderous Saint Nick. In this version, Santa is actually the son of Satan. He lost a curling match against an angel a thousand years ago and has been forced to give presents ever since. But, the time limit for the bet is up, meaning Santa can go about killing again. And, yes, this all plays out just as ridiculous as it sounds. Oh, I forgot to mention that Santa is played by professional wrestler Bill Goldberg. And, yes, that’s important. Because, as you can probably guess, he can’t act worth a shit. He’s basically taken the wrestling personality and just hid it behind a beard. It’s worse in fact than Hulk Hogan’s performance in Santa with Muscles. The Hulkster at least changed up his fighting style, wasn’t actually playing a pre-established character, and put at least a little bit of spin on his persona. This version of Santa is out here giving people the Brainbuster. I half expected him to break out the chair. Oh, and he breathes fire. Don’t worry if that caught you off guard. The movie doesn’t bring it up until about an hour in either.
Honestly, at the beginning of this movie I thought we had another “bad on purpose” situation on our hands. We open Santa’s Slay with a family made of stereotypes of the rich and pampered. Like, this makes even the worst parody of the Kardashians seem subtle. And, they’re all played by prominent, semi-well known, Jewish celebrities. Heck, they even got James Caan in there somehow. Anyways, Santa comes down and murders them all in ridiculously over the top fashion. I instantly found myself thinking the worst. This was going to be another movie that purposely aims to be that cult favorite “so bad it’s good” type. And, as I said in my review of Jack Frost, I completely loathe that type of movie. But, as it turns out, I was giving this movie way too much credit. I think those actors just knew what type of movie they were in. I don’t think the director had any idea. Because it just turns to utter, unwatchable, accidental shit from that point on.
Nah, I’m pretty sure this movie was just made by someone with serious problems. I am a horror fan. I can get a lot of joy from watching even the most gruesome, awful stuff. Heads can roll. Throats can be sliced. The killer can be the most heartless person in the world. I am not one of those people who judges someone for making something that’s just a spooky good time. However, occasionally, I watch a horror movie that’s just so over the top cynical that I can’t help but throw a side-eye their way. Sometimes the art just feels like the people who made it hate humanity. They’re not just having fun. They’re living out some kind of twisted fantasy. That’s how I feel about Santa’s Slay. And, it’s mostly in the interactions between the kills. The way people talk to each other. But, they definitely take pride in the sheer amount of pain they seem to be inflicting on these people too. They obviously hate Christmas. That much is clear. Religious figures are all dirty people who lie and cheat to everyone around them. Women are treated like they’re just sex objects. But, if they’ve embraced it and become strippers, they’re whores. Children of overly spoiled psychopaths. The rich are worse. The hatred is just oozing out of every frame in this movie. Then, I learned that it was produced by Brett Ratner and everything made sense. Only someone as racist, homophobic, and sexist as he is could’ve made this movie. The art really is a reflection of the man.
So, yeah, I definitely hated Santa’s Slay. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Or at least not anyone decent with taste. It’s not fun. It just feels like the manifesto of someone who’s about to go on a terrible crime spree. It’s just in bad taste all around. It runs at just abou