Hello, hello everyone! Welcome back to Dyl’s Movie Stuff’s Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever, where we are ringing in the holidays with some of the worst movies ever made. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve kind of fallen behind again. Exactly whose idea was it to watch a movie a day during the busiest season of the year again? Damn, that’s right. It was me. And, they couldn’t even be good movies either. Oh well, I’ll catch up. It might not be today. Or tomorrow. Or this week. But I will catch up. Anyways, let’s get to today’s movie. It’s our latest and, surprisingly, last Christmas horror film on this list.
So, I watched Black Christmas. No, not the original cult classic that would actually probably keep me entertained. And, no, not the 2019 movie, which would’ve allowed me a little more insight into modern Hollywood. I watched the first remake. The one from 2006, produced by Harvey Weinstein and starring a lot of actresses from the CW. That’s the one I had the pleasure of watching this holiday season. You know what really sucks though? I haven’t seen the original. So, I have nothing to compare this one to. I’m positive that one isn’t quite this bad though. There’s no way.
My main takeaway from the 2006 version of Black Christmas is how remarkably unscary it is. It’s insane. I’ve seen a lot of bad horror, but I don’t think I’ve seen one fail to generate scary visuals like this one did. First of all, the killers themselves aren’t scary. In fact, they’re super comical. The boy is out here looking like Bart Simpson with an eyeball eating fetish, while the girl looks like a middle schooler in an old lady costume. It was bad enough when the camera never really focused on them for “dramatic effect,” but, when they were shown out in all of their glory, it was extremely hard to take them seriously. The final act where they fought within the walls of the house especially bordered on self-parody. It was like Sin City if Sin City didn’t know what kind of movie it was. Oh, and the jumpscares in this were horrific. Not one of them got me. And I’m very reactive to that sort of thing. The tension was just off. I think it’s because they chose to have quiet moments with almost no score. Music is super important when it comes to making something scary.
I was going to say that I was never unnerved by this Black Christmas, but that’d be a lie. I was never scared. That’s true. But, I was grossed out. Because this came from a very specific, very regrettable era of horror. For context, it came out two years after the first Saw movie. The same year as Saw III. And, like they often do, Hollywood had taken away the wrong lesson from the original Saw. Suspense? Good storytelling? Something original? Nah. People wanted gore. They wanted heads to explode. They wanted organs everywhere. And, gosh darn it, they wanted the room to be soaked with blood. And, Black Christmas (2006) delivered. There’s heads being cut in half. There’s organs wrapped around Christmas trees. There’s plenty of eyeball eating. There’s cookies made from human flesh. It’s just absolutely disgusting. Honestly, I cannot stand this type of horror. This doesn’t creep me out. It just makes me uncomfortable. If I wanted to be grossed out, I’d go online, where I can see the real stuff. I’m here for you to scare me. But, I know, that would take too much effort on your part.
And, lastly, I don’t feel like I connected to any of these characters. There are about a dozen or so victims in this movie. Half of them literally only have one or two lines. They’re just there to be killed off. The other half are only remarkable in the fact that they’re not immediately stabbed. They’re not more interesting. They just have more screen time. And, to a certain degree, I get it. This is a slasher movie. They aren’t known for their top notch character development. But, then I think of movies like Halloween, Alien, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream, and, heck, even Silent Night, Deadly Night and how I remember the victims there. I remember the “final girl” because I feel like I’d gone through an adventure with them. I don’t know these characters. They gave each of them a small moment of character motivation, but, if you asked me to draw a line from the characters’ looks to their motivations or (god forbid) their names, I would definitely fail. They’re all super interchangeable pretty white girls and I’m pretty sure the writer was cool with that.
So, yeah. I don’t recommend Black Christmas. It’s really, really bad. It borders on self-parody but not in a fun way. And, it’s super gross. Like I said, I can’t compare it to the original, as I haven’t seen it. But, there’s no way this is even close to as good. The fact that the first is still talked about to this day while this has fallen off of the face of the Earth tells me all I need to know there. I will watch it someday. After I get the taste of this version out of my mouth. Because I have heard it’s decent. Until then though, I’m happy to leave Black Christmas in my rearview mirror without looking back. Because I’ll probably forget that it even exists in a month or so.