Hello. Welcome back to Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever, where I’m going through and reviewing some of the absolute worst Christmas movies ever made. I’m running behind and you know the drill so let’s skip the foreplay.
Why do they insist on doing stuff like this? Can’t a movie just stand on it’s own? With it’s legacy in tact? Why must they ruin everything? Or at least try? Basically, why does A Christmas Story 2 even exist? I mean… come on! You know that lightning isn’t going to strike the same place twice. Heck, you even say that line a couple of times in your own movie. The original was such a classic, such a masterpiece, that anything you made would pale in comparison.
The first mistake this movie made was the fact that it exists at all. Ralphie’s an annoying teenager now. Instead of ducking bullies and begging for toys for Christmas, he’s fantasizing about cars and girls. I’m sorry, but no one cares what a teenage boy wants for Christmas. It’s just not cute. Plus, the actor who plays him is somehow worse than the kid that did it before. In fact, every single performance is worse than the iconic originals. Ralphie’s mom and dad in particular seem to have been hit extra hard. The performances aren’t necessarily awful. They’re just not the characters we know and love. If you absolutely had to do another Christmas Story, why not make it an anthology thing? Follow a completely different group of characters like Home Alone 3 did. But, unlike that movie, it’d probably work here, because there’s nothing specific about Ralphie that was special. He’s just an average boy having a slightly above average Christmas. If this movie had been about teenage Steve who lives three doors down from Ralphie, I probably would’ve liked it a lot more. You don’t have to change anything else. Just make it slightly detached from the original.
Don’t worry though. If you were one of the few people who wanted to see an actual sequel to A Christmas Story, this movie has you covered. It brings back every single joke you laughed at the first time to be recycled once again. Only everything is significantly worse and less funny the second time around. Remember the kid sticking his tongue to a telephone pole? Well, now he sticks his whole damn mouth into a suction tube. The slightly over it Santa? He’s straight up Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa now. The bunny suit is swapped out for both a goofy reindeer costume and a sailor suit for his little brother. Ralphie says fudge when he wrecks his car. The Chinese restaurant is dragged into this for no real reason. And, gosh darn it, you knew they had to shove that leg lamp in there somewhere. Most sequels are guilty of this to some degree. South Park calls them “member berries,” where you show the audience things they liked before and go “member A Christmas Story?” But, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it done quite so obviously as it is here. These don’t feel like clever callbacks. It feels like they forced references to the original in wherever they could. It’s lazy. It’s cheap. And I don’t like it.
To wrap up this review, I thought I’d do something a bit different. This isn’t my first time watching this travesty. In fact, it’s not even my first time reviewing it. Back in my Tumblr days, I wrote up a short little piece on this. And, I thought I’d let 2012 Dylan take this one home. So, here it is: A sequel no one wanted? Crappy acting? Reenacting scenes from the first one? Taking a cute little kid and turning him into an annoying teenager? Completely missing the fun of the first one? Actual cussing? Ridiculous plot? Potentially ruining one of the best Christmas traditions ever? I don’t think you even tried at all. Oh, and FUCK YOU! I will be pissed if they try to show this on Christmas Eve and it breaks up the awesomeness that is A Christmas Story marathon. Grade: F
Well put, 2012 Dylan. Well put indeed.