Hello. Hello. Hello. Merry Christmas! We made it all the way through Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever! For those of you who don’t know. I spent the whole month of late November/December watching and reviewing some of the worst Christmas movies ever made, because Christmas 2020 was bound to suck anyways. It was quite the challenge. There was a lot of bad stuff to parse through. But, we’re here now: on the other side. And, well, that was fun. I don’t think I’d ever do it again… or at least not something of that size. This was just too much, but I’m glad I stuck with it.
28 truly awful pieces of cinema have been seen by me. And, I figured I’d recap and celebrate by counting down the worst of the worst. But, then I got to thinking, I enjoyed watching a couple of these though. So, what counts as a truly bad movie? Is it one that I can laugh at or one that was absolute torture to get through? Then, I thought “hey, why not do both?” And that’s just what I’m going to do. First, we’re going to go through some of the most painful movies I’ve ever seen. Seriously, my critera here was pretty much “what would I never, ever want to watch again?” Then, we’ll cover the more fun entries. I would have no problem gathering some friends together, having a couple of drinks, and laughing about how these movies are so bad, they’re good. Because, as I’ve said, sometimes it’s just fun to enjoy a bad movie. But, first,
THE WORST OF THE WORST
10. Jack Frost (1997)
This is the “scary” Jack Frost movie for those keeping track at home. It’s also the one I didn’t really spend much time reviewing. Because this movie is bad on purpose, which, quite frankly, I hate. So, I guess congratulations Jack Frost creators. You did what you set out to do. You made a bad movie. I bet you wish you were on the other list though. Too bad. Your movie sucks. Moving on.
9. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Frankly, I don’t like that I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus made this list. I really respect the Sprouse twins. They’ve made me laugh a lot over the years. But, their performances here were god awful. Actually, everyone in this movie is bad, which led to one of the longer, more painful viewing experiences of this entire month. Plus, it wanted too badly to be Home Alone or Jingle All the Way so bad. Sorry, Dylan and Cole. You’re still cool in my book. This movie sucks though.
8. Black Christmas (2006)
So, I’ve never seen the original Black Christmas, but I still completely hated this version. I hate when horror films are more interested in gore than they are effective scares. That’s definitely the case with this unscary remake. This whole movie just kinda feels icky and gross. Plus, the villains are two of the least frightening in horror history. I’ll probably go back and watch the original at some point, but I’m forever staying far, far away from this disaster.
My sister recently asked me about Elves. After reading my review, she was very confused about why this had a Nazi subplot. I didn’t know what to do other than shrug. Honestly, this was one of the weirdest backstories I’ve ever seen in a horror film. If only it were more entertaining, I’d call it good bad. But, holy crap, this movie is booooring. Still, I recommend that YouTube video that summarizes the whole movie in five minutes. That’s a good viewing experience. The actual whole movie: not so much.
6. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
Now we’re getting into the movies that actually give me PTSD. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is so bad that 70% of it’s runtime is a completely unrelated movie. Seriously, we kind of just leave this story behind and are told the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk instead. I should be grateful though because both Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny are terrifying in this. The less of them the better. This feels less like a movie I watched and more like some bizarre drug induced nightmare I had.
5. Santa’s Slay
I’ve never seen a movie as mean spirited as Santa’s Slay before. Seriously, all the way down to it’s core it’s mean. This movie hates absolutely everyone. It’s like watching a mad man make a movie that plays out all of his worst, perverted fantasies. I’m all for a sick, demented time, but this just felt angry.
4. An American Carol
Speaking of offensive and angry, An American Carol. I challenge anyone with decent taste to watch this movie and laugh. All of the jokes fall extremely flat. They brutally mock entire religions and political beliefs. And, the moral goes completely goes against Charles Dickens’ original. It’s sad that Zucker, one of the funniest film makers of all-time, has fallen this far. In fact, it makes me love Airplane and Naked Gun just a little less.
3. Santa Buddies
Woof. You see that image up above? See how it’s just dogs staring blankly into the camera? Like, there’s obviously someone with a treat right behind the camera guy. Well, now imagine their mouths moving and some horrible child actor’s voice coming out. And they’re trying to save Santa. Now, imagine this goes on for 90 minutes. That’s Santa Buddies. When I review it originally, I called it pure torture. I stand by that remark, yet somehow there are still two movies coming that are worse.
2. Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas barely counts as a movie. It’s just Cameron lecturing you for an hour about the “War on Christmas” and then they dance. That’s it. Seriously. It’s terrible. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
1. Santa’s Christmas Elf (Named Calvin)
Say what you will about any movie on this list. Heck, any movie in this challenge. Or, you know, any movie ever made. But, AT LEAST THEY MOVE. I can’t say the same about Santa’s Christmas Elf (Named Calvin). This is just 75 minutes of creepy, vintage, still images with an annoying voice, very reminiscent of Mr. Bill talking over them. And it feels like it lasts an eternity. This has to be against the Geneva Conventions or something. I have to be owed compensation after watching this. Can I call my lawyer? Someone has to make these people pay for forcing this cruelty upon the world. They can’t just keep getting away with it! (Side note: the producers also made Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, so, yeah, they deserve two spots in hell.)
The Best “So Bad, It’s Good” Movies
5. Silent Night, Deadly Night
Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about Silent Night, Deadly Night. I have no idea if it was bad on purpose. Heck, I don’t even know if it’s bad. So, putting this on the “so bad, it’s good” list might be cheating a bit. This might be a legitimately good movie. I can’t tell. I just know that I enjoyed myself tremendously while watching it. I saw a decent amount of Christmas themed horror this month and this one definitely was my favorite. I’d recommend it to anyone looking for alternative programming this Christmas season.
4. Magic Christmas Tree
First of all, Magic Christmas Tree is absolutely insane. You never know where this plot is going to go. It just jumps from one extreme occurrence to the next. Second, it can be easily be read as a super villain origin story with one of the main plot points being to kidnap Santa Claus. And, then finally, it features one of the greatest fourth wall breaks in the history of cinema. Seriously, gather some friends up, have a couple drinks, and enjoy this bizarre, out of this world trip.
3. Santa Claus
Santa Claus, a Mexican film from 1959, definitely takes the cake for weirdest interpretation of a famous fictional character I’ve ever seen. This Santa is just so freaking weird. He’s creepy. He lives in space. He uses children from different countries around the world instead of elves. He has robot reindeer. I don’t even know how to describe the nightmare fuel of a machine he uses to watch over all the kids. And, he fights Satan himself. Seriously, you’ve got to see this to believe it. Definitely a highlight from the month.
2. The Star Wars Holiday Special
If you’re a Star Wars fan with a sense of humor, you’ve got to subject yourself to The Star Wars Holiday Special. It’ll make everything else seem so much better in comparison. Seriously, the decision to put Jar Jar in Episode I doesn’t seem so weird when you’ve seen a Wookiee grandfather watching VR porn in the middle of his living room. Or Bea Arhtur as a singing bartender on Tattooine. Or Luke Skywalker in an insane amount of makeup. Or, heck, realizing that this is the first time audiences saw Boba Fett. It’s a weird trip. But, with the right group of friends, it can be a very rewarding one.
1. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2
Now, Part 2 I have no problem putting on the list. It is absolutely a “so bad it’s good” movie. First of all, the entire first half of the movie is just a recap of the first one. So, technically, you don’t have to have seen Part 1 to understand this one. Though, I definitely still recommend it. Second, this features one of the most over the top, campy lead performances in horror movie history. Seriously, I was dying laughing at the way this guy delivered his lines. Pair that with some ridiculously over the top kills and you’ve got yourself a good time. The two night adventure of Part 1 and Part 2 was easily the highlight of this whole experience. I wouldn’t be surprised if I revisited these two movies over and over and over again.
So, that’s my list. I checked it twice. I would absolutely not recommend anything on that first list. They’re all complete trash. And, there’s a couple of hidden gems on the second that almost made this challenge worth it. I’d say to get in the right mindset and maybe give a couple of those a try.
Either way, thank you! This month has been a lot of fun and I appreciate those of you who’ve been reading along at home. Like I said, I probably won’t do anything quite like this ever again. Though, I can definitely see more “so bad, it’s good” reviews coming in the future. Until then, Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! And, most importantly, Happy Life Day.
Now it’s time to catch up on some of 2020’s best movies I missed for my Top 10 list, which should be up in a couple of weeks.
See you guys soon.