Hello! Welcome to Dyl’s Movie Stuff. For the past couple of weeks, we’ve been counting down the worst Christmas movies of all-time. It’s going about as well as you’d expect. There’s just a ton of Christmas crap out there and most of it is not even fun to watch. It’s just there. And it’s bad. But, still, the quest for the worst continues. Today we’re back in Christmas horror territory. Which is great. Didn’t have much good to say the last time I was here, but let’s see if this trip gives us better results.
Santa’s Slay is a horror film that was released in 2005 about a murderous Saint Nick. In this version, Santa is actually the son of Satan. He lost a curling match against an angel a thousand years ago and has been forced to give presents ever since. But, the time limit for the bet is up, meaning Santa can go about killing again. And, yes, this all plays out just as ridiculous as it sounds. Oh, I forgot to mention that Santa is played by professional wrestler Bill Goldberg. And, yes, that’s important. Because, as you can probably guess, he can’t act worth a shit. He’s basically taken the wrestling personality and just hid it behind a beard. It’s worse in fact than Hulk Hogan’s performance in Santa with Muscles. The Hulkster at least changed up his fighting style, wasn’t actually playing a pre-established character, and put at least a little bit of spin on his persona. This version of Santa is out here giving people the Brainbuster. I half expected him to break out the chair. Oh, and he breathes fire. Don’t worry if that caught you off guard. The movie doesn’t bring it up until about an hour in either.
Honestly, at the beginning of this movie I thought we had another “bad on purpose” situation on our hands. We open Santa’s Slay with a family made of stereotypes of the rich and pampered. Like, this makes even the worst parody of the Kardashians seem subtle. And, they’re all played by prominent, semi-well known, Jewish celebrities. Heck, they even got James Caan in there somehow. Anyways, Santa comes down and murders them all in ridiculously over the top fashion. I instantly found myself thinking the worst. This was going to be another movie that purposely aims to be that cult favorite “so bad it’s good” type. And, as I said in my review of Jack Frost, I completely loathe that type of movie. But, as it turns out, I was giving this movie way too much credit. I think those actors just knew what type of movie they were in. I don’t think the director had any idea. Because it just turns to utter, unwatchable, accidental shit from that point on.
Nah, I’m pretty sure this movie was just made by someone with serious problems. I am a horror fan. I can get a lot of joy from watching even the most gruesome, awful stuff. Heads can roll. Throats can be sliced. The killer can be the most heartless person in the world. I am not one of those people who judges someone for making something that’s just a spooky good time. However, occasionally, I watch a horror movie that’s just so over the top cynical that I can’t help but throw a side-eye their way. Sometimes the art just feels like the people who made it hate humanity. They’re not just having fun. They’re living out some kind of twisted fantasy. That’s how I feel about Santa’s Slay. And, it’s mostly in the interactions between the kills. The way people talk to each other. But, they definitely take pride in the sheer amount of pain they seem to be inflicting on these people too. They obviously hate Christmas. That much is clear. Religious figures are all dirty people who lie and cheat to everyone around them. Women are treated like they’re just sex objects. But, if they’ve embraced it and become strippers, they’re whores. Children of overly spoiled psychopaths. The rich are worse. The hatred is just oozing out of every frame in this movie. Then, I learned that it was produced by Brett Ratner and everything made sense. Only someone as racist, homophobic, and sexist as he is could’ve made this movie. The art really is a reflection of the man.
So, yeah, I definitely hated Santa’s Slay. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Or at least not anyone decent with taste. It’s not fun. It just feels like the manifesto of someone who’s about to go on a terrible crime spree. It’s just in bad taste all around. It runs at just abou
Howdy, everyone! Welcome back to Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever. From Thanksgiving to Christmas, I’m going through and reviewing some of the worst Christmas movies ever made. I started this journey with movies from way back in the 1950’s and have finally made it to more or less the modern day. And, boy, has it been painful. Let’s not waste anymore time and just get to today’s movie.
Christmas with the Kranks is a family comedy from 2004, starring Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis. They play the Kranks, a family who normally goes way overboard on Christmas. However, this year, they learn that their daughter is not going to home for the holidays and decide to take advantage of the situation by skipping Christmas altogether. And, I mean skip it. Like, they go out of their way to make it as hard for themselves as possible. They’re really, really jerks about it to their neighborhood that tries to push it on them. This hurts the movie quite a bit, because it sort of ends up hard to root for them. You could argue that that’s the point, but the neighbors aren’t very likeable either. I pretty much hated everyone here. The Kranks are too pushy and braggadocious about the fact that they’re not having Christmas and the neighbors are too nosy and pushy about it too. They all come across as jerks and who wants to watch a Christmas movie filled to the brim with jerks? The second half of the movie really suffers for it to, as all of these people are supposed to come together for the good of the holiday. Nah, screw all of these guys. Each and every one.
Christmas with the Kranks is also super unfunny. It’s the kind of comedy where you get angry at yourself whenever you crack a smile. Because you know that you’re better than that. This is super low brow stuff. People falling down, getting electrocuted, or just being injured in general is peak level comedy in this movie. And, some of the jokes are even cheaper. Why is it funny that Tim Allen is wearing a speedo? Or that he has Botox? Because he’s a man? You’ve seen each and every one of these gags before. And you’ve seen them done better. This is all just so incredibly lazy. It’s all edited together like a live action cartoon too. You know, that weird over the top style they busted out in the 90s when making The Flintstones, Rocky and Bullwinkle, or Scooby Doo. It’s like they’re trying to balance making a semi-realistic movie and something even the dumbest eight year old could enjoy. It just does not work. And, it’s disappointing too, because this could’ve been decent. I’ve seen the cast be funny before. Every “joke” here though falls completely and utterly flat.
I will give this movie credit where it’s due though. There was one scene towards the end that was legitimately touching. Tim Allen’s character does something really nice for a neighbor he doesn’t get along with, because he knows that they’ve had a rough year. It’s really sweet and heartwarming. Plus, it seemed like authentic, not trying too hard acting from everyone involved. I wish the whole movie was like this. Give us people. Real people. Not some overexaggerated proximity.
And, that’s really all I’ve got to say about Christmas with the Kranks. It’s not the worst Christmas movie I’ve seen, but it’s closer to the bottom than it is the top. It just feels like such wasted potential. The idea wasn’t bad. The cast is talented. They just failed to make anything that was funny, because they almost didn’t try. Instead of writing something real, they just had people fall down a bunch. And, man, that’s just not what Christmas movies are about.
Hi friends. Well, this is all super exciting. In case you somehow missed the flood of movie news last night, Disney had an investors call yesterday evening. You’d expect something like that to be a semi-boring series of numbers and financial notes, but it was actually a super jam packed evening of huge announcements. As a massive Disney fan, I am over the moon ecstatic about them too. I mean… they kind of own all of my favorite franchises and dropped massive news about each one. So, of course, I have some thoughts. And not all of them are OH MY GOSH I’M SO EXCITED. But, you know, most of them are.
Let’s start off with the House of Mouse itself. Disney. As in Disney Disney. The one with the castle at the beginning of their movies. Surprisingly, there wasn’t really a massive amount of news coming from their front. A lot of it was already known going in. But, there still were definitely a few things of note.
First of all, they’re going to concentrate a lot of effort on Disney+. We knew that. But, they really showed how seriously they’re taking that effort yesterday. For example, most of those live action remakes they’ve been talking about will go directly to the streamer. Pinocchio starring Tom Hanks, a Peter Pan reboot, Pinocchio, Cruella: all going to Disney+. This is the news that I’m mostly disappointed in. I won’t go in too much depth here, because, honestly, I could write up a whole post about this no problem. But, I am a huge fan of the theatrical experience. In normal times, I’m at the movie theater every weekend. Most of the time, it’s for a double or even triple feature. I just think the experience makes even the crappiest movies better. So, as you can guess, this year has been giving me quite the freight. I’m worried that one of my favorite pastimes is dying right in front of us. And, while the reception isn’t always super strong critically, those live action Disney remakes consistently bring in huge box office revenues, which I hate to see. I’m not so much anti-streamer as I am pro-theater. But, I also feel like the old man yelling at clouds. The world is moving on and I’m just upset about it.
In other, happier news, there were new movies announced! Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers is getting its own movie. And, honestly, I’m a bit mixed. First of all, yes! I loved that show. I’m happy to see it brought back for a whole new audience. Second, the cast is amazing. John Mulaney and Andy Samberg are two of the funniest comedians around, so I’m sure they’ll crush this. But, also, I’m super worried about the fact that this is a live action/animation hybrid film. We don’t need Chip and Dale looking hyperrealistic. Certain characters shouldn’t exist in any medium other than animated. Chip, Dale, and honestly all of the Mickey crew are prime examples of this. No. Just no. But, still, that cast… I don’t know. Like I said, I’m mixed. I’ll have to wait and see a trailer or some concept art of something before I make a call.
Also, we got confirmation that Lin Manuel Miranda will be writing the music for Disney’s next animated feature, Encanto. Which, yes please. Hamilton is a perfect musical. Moana has one of the best Disney soundtracks. And Miranda was fantastic in Mary Poppins Returns. Lin is obviously a huge fan of Disney. They’re obviously huge fans of his. And, this seems to be working out swimmingly thus far. Keep this relationship going for as long as you can. I want him to be the next Sherman Brothers or Alan Menken. He’s that good at what he does. Plus, that movie is being directed by the team behind Zootopia, so it was already going to be awesome. Lin’s involvement just made it even better.
Then, lastly, Disney announced a whole new string of shows made by Walt Disney Animation Studios. There’s going to be new shows based on Zootopia, Princess and the Frog, Moana and Big Hero 6. I definitely think all of those are good ideas. I’m not 100% sure what further adventures Tiana and Moana’s stories have to tell, but, if it means spending more time in their worlds, I’m down. The other two are prime for ongoing adventures though. Also, Disney announced an entirely original show called Iwaju, which they will co-produce with an African company. We don’t know much about it other than that it’ll be Africans telling African stories and more diversity in Disney is always a good thing.
The biggest news coming out of the Pixar camp would definitely have to be Lightyear. It’s an all-new feature about the original Buzz Lightyear who the toy was based on. He will be voiced by Chris Evans. Now, this one is divisive and I get it. This doesn’t NEED to exist. We know everything about Buzz that we’ve ever needed to know. But, I kind of want it to. I look at it this way: Buzz is a fictional character, even within the Toy Story universe. We’ve seen the characters watching his tv show. It’s a lot of fun. It’s campy. It’s over the top. But, it’s also good science fiction. To me, in universe, it’s about the same as a Transformers or GI Joe. The cartoon exists. Kids love it. They go and buy the toys. But, you know what happens with franchises like that right? They’re rebooted into huge, live action, semi-serious blockbusters. I think it’d be really, really cool if that’s what this ended up being. Like, this movie exists within the Toy Story universe. We could even do something similar to what the original Buzz Lightyear of Space Command did, have the characters we know and love do opening and closing segments. Then, the movie itself can be a fun, light-hearted parody of modern science fiction. I don’t know. It may not work. But, it sounds like a lot of fun to me. Plus, I have faith in Pixar. If they think it’s a good idea, I’m on board.
Pixar also announced a new original movie called Turning Red and the plot sounds pretty good. It’s about a 13-year-old girl going through puberty. But, every time she gets excited, she turns into a giant red panda. And, let me tell you something about myself, I am a big red panda fan. They’re one of my favorite animals. I can watch those things for hours. So, mix that with the pains and human emotion of growing up and I think Pixar has a winning formula on their hands. I’m picturing something along the lines of Inside Out mixed with Monsters Inc. I’m definitely eager to see more of this concept.
And, not to be outdone by their parent company, Pixar announced a handful of new shows too. There’ll be one following the adventures of Dug, who is absolutely one of my favorite Pixar characters, and Lightning McQueen, who I don’t really need to hear more from. Also, there will be a new original show called Win or Lose about a middle school softball team. Honestly, it sounds like a weird topic for Pixar to cover. Doesn’t really feel like their bag, but, again, I trust them. So, I’m definitely gonna check it out.
Now we’re into the real juicy part of yesterday’s conference, as Marvel and Star Wars absolutely dominated the headlines last night.
Movie wise, Kevin Fiege announced that there is a Fantastic Four movie coming directed by Spider-Man: Homecoming’s Jon Watts. We kinda sorta already knew this was happening, but I’m glad to have it confirmed. Now, we wait to hear who’ll make up the team. In case you were wondering, I want John Krasinski, Emily Blunt, John Cena, and Zac Efron. Just so you know. Other than that, we kind of just got little confirmations or clarifications on already announced Marvel movies. They officially announced Ant-Man 3, now titled Ant-Man & the Wasp: Quantumania. While they’re not my favorite Marvel movies, I do enjoy the Ant-Man franchise and am always down for more Paul Rudd. Also, that title is hilarious. They also confirmed that the upcoming Blade reboot is, in fact, a movie and not a tv show. Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness is going to work in tandem with Spider-Man 3 and WandaVision, telling a overlapping story, which I’m definitely down for. And, finally, they won’t be recasting Chadwick Boseman’s role as T’Challa. That’s a tough situation, but I think they’re making the right move there.
Then, as can be expected, we got hit with an avalanche of Disney+ trailers and news. Four new shows were announced. They are Secret Invasion, Ironheart, Armor Wars, and I Am Groot. Secret Invasion will follow up on Nick Fury and the Skrulls. I’m not sure how I feel about this one. I’m excited to see this story told. It’s a pretty big one though, so it’s weird to see them limiting it to the small screen. In the comics, Secret Invasion is where some of Marvel’s biggest hitters were revealed to have been replaced by Skrulls. And, for many of them, they had been impersonated for years. So, yeah, it’s a pretty big story filled with universe shaking consequences. It’s weird to see then that it’s being presented away from a huge Endgame level movie. Ironheart should be really good. It’s about a young girl who takes over Iron Man’s suit. I can definitely see that working on TV. Armor Wars should be called War Machine, as it’s going to follow his adventure taking down rival suit manufacturers. I’m cool with the concept though. And, I Am Groot should be adorable. It’s a series of shorts following everyone’s former favorite Disney baby, Groot. Also, they announced a Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special and I can only hope it’s just as campy and ridiculous as the original Star Wars one was.
Then, we got new trailers for the stuff we already knew was coming. WandaVision continues to look amazing. For my money, Scarlet Witch is one of the most underrated Marvel characters out there. She’s a mentally unstable mutant with the ability to change reality itself. How can you not think that’s awesome. And, I’m so excited to watch her and Vision make their way through television history, slowly unraveling a deep, dark mystery along the way. And, more than that, I can not wait to see the fabric of the MCU’s reality slowly start to slip away. Things are going to get crazy and I’m here for it. Speaking of crazy, Loki’s back in his own show. I can’t quite make out what’s happening in this trailer. Maybe he’s a secret time traveling agent? I don’t know. I just know that I’m excited to see Hiddleston back in this part. His Loki is a highlight of the MCU and I’ll never tire of seeing him. Then, there was our first look at The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. It feels like a good follow-up to the second Captain America movie, so, of course, I’m excited. We got a small peak at Ms. Marvel. I love her comics. She should be a very welcome addition to the universe. And, she’s confirmed to be in Captain Marvel 2, so I’m glad they’re seemingly keeping the fangirl angle. Then, finally, we got a teaser for What If?, which look like good fun. For those that don’t know, What If basically follows different timelines in the Marvel Universe. Different What If scenarios if you will. For example, the trailer showed us moments from What If Peggy Carter got the Super Soldier Serum and What If Yondu took T’Challa instead. I’m very excited to see them play around with these characters in unexpected fresh ways.In fact, that’s kind of what Phase 4 in general seems to be. We know these characters so well at this point. Let’s throw them through a ringer. Let’s try new things. I’m very excited by all of it. The future definitely looks bright for Marvel.
Oh, and I almost forgot. Tim Roth as Abomination is coming back for She-Hulk. So, The Incredible Hulk matters a little more now. And Fiege hinted that “other lawyers” would show up in the show too, pretty much confirming that Matt Murdock’s going to make an appearance. It’s really refreshing to see some of these smaller, underrated franchises finally starting to intermingle with the big boys. Or in this case, the big girl. The big, green girl.
If you thought Marvel’s news was big, oh buddy. Within the next couple of years, Disney is basically doubling the size of the Star Wars universe. We’re getting a new movie from Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins. It’s called Rogue Squadron and she’s claiming that it’ll be one of the greatest Air Force related stories ever told. I’ve gotta say. I’m super excited. She’s a fantastic director and I’m down for anything set in the original trilogy era. I’m already anticipating something on par with Rogue One.
Honestly though, most of the growth is happening on the tv front. The Mandalorian is getting two spinoff shows set during the same time period. Ahsoka is getting her own live action show. Which, oh gosh, I just pooped myself in excitement. She’s one of my favorite Star Wars characters. I loved her in Clone Wars and Rebels. And, Dawson did an absolutely amazing job bringing her to life a few weeks ago. This might just be my most anticipated Star Wars content now. The other is Rangers of the New Republic, which I’m imagining will follow Cara Dune. It’ll be a cool way to kinda bridge/smoothe the gap between Episodes VI and VII I think. And, speaking of spinoffs and smoothing transitions, that’s exactly what the trailer for The Bad Batch looked like it’s setting out to do. Honestly, I wasn’t crazy about their arc on Clone Wars, but I’m down to spend more time in that animated corner of the universe. Plus, it’ll be cool to see how the clones handled being transferred over into stormtroopers. So, I’m definitely excited to give it a watch.
And, that’s just the beginning. We’ve got a whole slate of new Star Wars shows coming from Disney+. There’s Andor, following the adventures of Cassian pre-Rogue One. I don’t know where that story could go, but I’m excited to see some of those characters back. It felt a little wasteful to throw away such great characters after only one movie. Lando is getting his own show starring Donald Glover, who I’m a massive fan of. He was quite simply the best part of Solo, so I’m happy to see him back. And, like I said for Marvel, it’s cool to see that even the “bombs” aren’t being tossed aside continuity wise. Then, there’s three completely fresh shows that honestly we don’t know a lot about yet. The Acolyte takes place during the High Republic, hundreds of years before Anakin Skywalker was born. I’m definitely intrigued to see that. Star Wars: Visions is an anime, so I’m out. No offense meant to anyone, but I can’t stand the medium. I just can’t get into it. Though, since it’s Star Wars, I’ll probably try. And, finally, there’s A Droid Story. In case you didn’t know, the droids have always been a favorite of mine. I absolutely love each and every droid this universe has thrown at us. So, I already love this show, even though we know next to nothing about it.
And, of course, there was the news that broke the internet. The one that, at least according to my timelines, was the biggest news of the night. Hayden Christensen is returning to Star Wars. Yes, the long mocked prequel actor is getting his shot at redemption. And, honestly, I’m excited. I think it’ll be really good to tie the whole franchise together. Now, how? Because Anakin is Darth Vader at this point. He’s in the suit. How are we going to see Hayden? Is the suit going to get damaged? Is it a dream sequence? A flashback? Also, I hope it doesn’t weaken the impact of their reunion in A New Hope. Because that original movie made it seem like they hadn’t met up since Mustafar. Also, in no way can Vader know that Obi-Wan was on Tatooine. Maybe Obi-Wan made a trip to some kind of Imperial base before? I’m not sure how they’re going to do it, to be honest. But, I’m excited. I just hope they don’t break continuity in the process.
Hey, they’re making an Alien tv show! It’s from the creator of Fargo and Legion! I’m sure it’s going to be super dark and scary and weird. And, I’m very excited. I love the Alien franchise. More Xenomorophs is always a good thing. Is it weird that this is Disney news? Yes. Very. But, that’s the world we live in now. All hail the house of mouse!
Also, Indiana Jones 5 is going to be the last entry into the franchise. 1. Good. Leave Harrison Ford and this character alone. Neither deserve this. 2. I don’t believe you.
And, that’s everything that caught my interest during the call. Honestly, it’s a lot. I only wrote up about a sentence or two for each announcement, but I could’ve easily done a page each. But, heck, this post is long enough. Overall, I’m super excited though. Just about everything sounds watchable at the very least. And, as a massive Disney fan, I already feel like I’m getting a fantastic deal out of Disney+. All of this just makes it absolutely essential to me now. There’s no way you can take it from me. Just look at all of this stuff. Isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think Disney+’s collection is complete? (Get it? Nah. It’s fine. I’ll stop now.) Let me know what you guys are more excited for! Or if you want more analysis on anything listed here! Maybe weekly reviews on some of these shows? Like I said, I can talk about this stuff all day. Ok, I’ve got to go rewatch all of the existing material to prep for these new shows and movies! See ya real soon!
Hi Christmas buddies! It’s that time of year! It’s time to start counting down the days until the biggest holiday of the year. Unfortunately though, it’s still 2020 so it’s probably gonna suck. Why not double down on it and watch some really, really bad Christmas movies? Because that’s not what sane people do? Oh. Well, that’s what I’m doing. I have since Thanksgiving. And, well, I’m about halfway done. So far everything is going great. I kind of only want to gouge my eyes out a little. No big deal. Today’s movie was especially rotten too. But, let’s not preamble on forever. Let’s get to it.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is a tv movie based on the popular Christmas song. As you can probably piece together, it is about a boy who creeps downstairs one night to see his mother kissing his father dressed as Santa. He misunderstands the whole situation and thinks his mom is cheating with Saint Nick. This, of course, leads to all sorts of hijinks, as the kid tries to save his parent’s marriage. Unexpectedly, this means he’s going to be as bad as possible to try to keep Santa away. Oh, and he starts a serious vendetta against Santa. We’re talking abusing mall Santas and hanging the neighbors’ decorations up by a noose level vendettas. Turns out this kid really, really likes his parents being together. And, out of material from the song, it eventually devolves into just straight up stealing from other popular Christmas movies of the time. Jingle All the Way kinda sorta almost worked. Let’s have the kid obsessed with a superhero, want his toy, then run into a costumed version of the character for absolutely no reason. Home Alone is big. Let’s have him set all kinds of Kevin McCallistar type traps for Santa. No! Stay in your lane, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. I know your whole plot is in your title, but don’t encroach on other movies’ territory.
But, here’s the thing. The plot really isn’t all that bad. Nah. What makes this movie a complete disaster is in the basic moviemaking. This is just a good, old fashioned poorly made movie. It’s not a crazy one. First of all, the acting is actoricous. Our lead is played by both Sprouse twins, Dylan and Cole. Now, I’ve seen quite a bit of acting from these two. I grew up watching Friends and Big Daddy, which were both before this. My sister (and by extension I) watched a lot of Suite Life, which came only a few years later. I don’t know quite what but something went wrong here. Maybe they weren’t given enough practice. Maybe they’re used to kind of just reacting to better actors. Maybe it was just a rough shoot for both of them. I wouldn’t know. However, this is some of the worst child acting I’ve ever seen. They were not believable for a second. Every line felt like it was being read straight off of the script. But, putting the blame squarely on their shoulders isn’t quite fair. First of all, they’re children. Second, everyone is this bad. Across the board every single actor put in a bad performance. That’s a rare site. Even the worst movies usually have at least one decent performance. I couldn’t find one here though. And, trust me, I was looking. I’m just going to blame the director to be honest. There’s no way everyone separately was that awful.
And, it’s pretty obvious that the director isn’t all that good either. Or, at least, the moviemaking team in general. Because, holy crap, did this movie need to be re-edited. This is a fairly short movie, but it felt like one of the longer movies I’ve seen this month. That’s mostly because the pacing was so. Incredibly. Slow. And there were so many awkward pauses. Like, a scene would wrap and we’d still just be hanging out with the characters for no apparent reason. At first, I thought it was on purpose since we were sitting around the table during an uncomfortable family moment. But it just kept happening. Even when there was no need. And, there’s no fancy camera work like pans or zooming in or anything either. Or none that I could remember. Everything just felt very static and very stale. It felt very much like a rehearsal. Like they filmed the first time everyone got off book and just rolled that out as a final product. Very little editing. Minimal music added. Bad performances and all. Who cares? It’s a tv movie!
As you can tell, I did not enjoy my viewing of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. In fact, I haven’t had this much trouble getting through one of these movies since Santa’s Christmas Elf (Named Calvin). And, as we know, that movie didn’t move. It was static. However, this one felt almost as long and boring. Bad general moviemaking will do that to you. So, yeah, I don’t really recommend this one in any sort of fashion. Heck, they never even played the song…
Hello. Hi. How are ya? This is Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever. I’m Dylan and I’m spending this holiday season reviewing some of the worst Christmas movies ever made. Why? Because it’s 2020. Christmas was going to suck anyways. Might as well double down. Today’s entry might be a bit controversial. I don’t know. It’s not as hated as some, but I don’t know that anyone actually loves it either. I know that I enjoyed it as a kid, but that was decades ago. Does it hold up? We’ll see I guess.
Jack Frost was somehow the second movie to come out in a two year span featuring a man named Jack Frost who dies and comes back as a snowman. However, in one movie, as we discussed, the guy is a serial killer who continues his rampage post death. In this one, Jack is a deadbeat dad who spends his newfound time repairing his relationship with his son. And I just want to know one thing. As a producer, how do you let this happen? I understand that movies take a long time to produce. I also understand that you’re not always aware of what studios are doing until their movie is released. But, why would you not at the very least change the title? That’s the easiest fix in the world. I’d argue that it’s a pretty important fix too. You do not want people mixing these two movies up? And, trust me, it’s doable. As a kid who was interested in seeing this movie, I was always mildly terrified of it in the video store. Because next to Michael Keaton’s smiling face, there was the most terrifying snowman I’d ever seen. Were they the same movie? Is that the snowman he becomes later on? Sometimes these stores had multiple VHS cases for one movie. Was that the case here? It was only after some reassurance from my mom that I was confident enough to give it a watch. Though, I still was waiting for it to get scary at any moment.
So, other than sharing a name, basic concept, and almost release year with a shitty horror film, how is Jack Frost? It’s honestly pretty bland. There’s not a lot to write home about here. I thought I had forgotten the majority of this movie because it’s been so long. But, as it turns out, I forgot it because it’s, well, forgettable. Everything feels kind of “been there, done that.” Even the movie acknowledges it. I kid you not. This is an exact quote from the movie. Jack says, “Could the universe really be that unoriginal? Is it the name? If so, that’s not even clever.” Congratulations, movie, you just dissed yourself. You really are that unoriginal and not even all that clever.
But, the biggest crime this movie committed has to be inflicting that snowman on the world. Because, honestly, that thing is unsettling. You could’ve put this snowman in the other Jack Frost movie and it would’ve worked just as well. There’s just something about those cold, dead eyes. And his mouth is just odd. It doesn’t quite move right. He has eyebrows for some reason. I guess to make him emote better, but I don’t like the idea of any hair being on snowpeople. Plus, it doesn’t help much. This puppet really can’t pull off anything more than a smile. There’s a scene where he watches tv with his son, emoting to each channel the kid puts on. And, half of the expressions were just uncomfortable. Like one of those dumb apps where you talk to AI and they make a quick facial expression before going back to normal. You know, that uncanny valley stuff. And, he walks weird. You’d think he’d glide. That’s what snowmen without legs have typically done. But, no, this guy moves his ball in this weird walking fashion. Like there are still legs within his ball. I’m so confused. But, you can’t call out the puppet too much, because it looks even worse when they have to throw CGI over it. Late 90s computers were not ready for that. Heck, I don’t think today’s computers could make it look compelling. And, maybe the biggest offense of all, this snowman looks nothing like Michael Keaton. It looks like George Clooney, who was originally tapped to star, but backed out to fill Keaton’s old role as Batman. However, production was too far along and they couldn’t just throw away the puppet. So, we’re stuck with a Clooney looking snowman that honestly looks worse than anything in Batman & Robin. I was ready to come in and trash the special effects department. I really was. Because, this is some awful stuff. Surely they must’ve gotten the cheapest effects studio they could to do this. Then, as the credits rolled, I saw Jim Henson Studios! Well, then… this is awkward. I guess you guys had a bit of a rough stretch there after Jim died, huh? I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. But, come on, that’s a really, really, really bad puppet.
Lastly, I’ve got to talk about the crazy tonal shifts Jack Frost has. It’s kind of expected in a family film where a dead father turns into a snowman, but the abruptness of it all feels so strange. Tragic scenes of a child disappointed that his father isn’t spending enough time with him are quickly followed up by over the top snowball fights. Him reeling with the fact that his father might be back in his life is quickly undercut by a chase scene down a mountain that could only exist in 90s child entertainment. A moment where two children unite over the shared experience of losing a father is followed by the line, “Snow dad is better than no dad.” Touching moments are often followed up by sex jokes. Yes, I said often. There’s like, at least, eight different sex jokes in this movie. Which prides itself on being a family film. That’s what I’m saying this script is all over the place. It’s definitely possible to mix drama and comedy in things made for kids. Disney has been doing it for decades. Elf has a touch of brokenheartedness to it. Heck, even The Santa Clause had a few darker moments. Unfortunately, this screenwriter doesn’t seem to understand how.
Overall, I didn’t hate Jack Frost. I just didn’t enjoy it either. The special effects were bad. The tone was all over the place. And, the story wasn’t all that original. But, I wouldn’t wince if someone mentioned that this was their favorite Christmas movie. Ok, that’s a lie. I’d definitely judge them. It’s not an unfriend worthy offense though. And, compared to some of the stuff I’ve seen these past couple of weeks, that’s almost a compliment.
Hello everyone! I hope your December has been as merry and bright as 2020 will allow it to be. As for me, I’ve been struggling through some of the worst Christmas movies of all-time. It’s called Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever. It’s a whole thing. You should check it out. In fact, you’re already on one of the articles now! You might as well give it a read, huh? Let’s get into it.
As a child of the 90s, Home Alone was a staple in my life. It’s probably one of my most rewatched movies ever. Macaulay Culkin was one of the first actors whose name I actually knew. I could quote that movie. I could reenact moments from that movie. It’s a classic. I haven’t seen the sequel in decades, but I remember it not being horrible. A decent amount of the charm had dissipated but, still, it’s Home Alone. And, honestly, for decades, I thought I’d seen all there was to see in the Home Alone franchise. As far as I knew, there were only those two movies. Boy, do I wish I was right.
I bet you can guess what my number one complaint about Home Alone 3 is. I bet you won’t even need a second guess. Yep. It’s the fact that there’s not a single returning character. Not a one. Gone are the two loving parents played perfectly by John Heard and the always fantastic Catherine O’Hara. The Wet Bandits are no longer here to be tortured. And, worst of all, not even a cameo from Culkin’s Kevin McCallistar. And, I’m not even talking about the fact that just the actors are gone. No. It’s a whole new cast of characters. It’s a whole new story. The original movie has zero impact on this one. So, why, oh why, is this called Home Alone 3.
None of the characters feel all that original or fresh either. Pretty much every single one can be matched up with someone from the original. And, they pale in comparison. The original performances were so perfect. Even 30 years later, their mark on pop culture is huge. Kevin, Harry, Marv, Mrs. McCallistar, Buzz, Gus, Marley. Each of them: iconic. These guys are ridiculously inferior. The kid does his best to pull off the same charm Kevin had, but just doesn’t hit the mark. These villains are forgettable. They’re all just a bunch of generic, white bread cliches. And, they lack the energy that Stern and Pesci brought to the Wet Bandits. Having just seen the movie last night, I cannot even tell you what the parents looked like. And, his siblings just come across as monsters, even though one of them is played by ScarJo herself. Heck, they even had the misunderstood grumpy old neighbor character. But, again, it fell short. I can’t really blame the actors for this though. Living up to the standards the original performers set would’ve been hard. Impossible even. Nah. This is on the producers. The ones who saw the perfect storm of the original movie and thought “Yeah. We can do that again.” No. You can’t. This is what happens when you try. Everyone forgets your movie exists and it still manages to hurt the first movie’s legacy.
They even managed to mess up the plot of the Home Alone movies. Real quick, what were the stakes in the first movie? If the bad guys won, what would’ve happened? The McCallisters would’ve been robbed. That’s it. No big deal. Well, in this one, the criminals are after a chip from a weapon that they’re trying to sell to Korea. Really. Is this Home Alone or Mission: Impossible? What is going on? Anyways, there’s a mixup at the airport. Not-Kevin’s neighbor and the terrorists got their bags swapped. So, she came home with a remote controlled car that had the chip hidden inside. The terrorists then follow her back to Chicago to retrieve the chip. After a bit of searching the neighborhood and some socially distant crime fighting from the kid, they find that the car has been given to not-Kevin. His parents are, of course, not home. And, it’s time for the typical Home Alone shenanigans to start. Why is this so complex? The original was so simple. Thieves want in house. Kid, who is home alone, keeps them out. It’s simple. You don’t have to throw all of these wrinkles in there.
Also, what are the odds there are two Kevin McCallistar type children in the greater Chicago area? You know, extremely smart, semi-sadistic, little boys that have extensive knowledge of booby traps and the means to build them. I can buy that there’s one. Heck, I can buy that he got put in the same position twice. It’s not likely, but I can buy it. But, I absolutely cannot buy that there’s a completely separate child with the same uncanny gift in the same general area. I just can’t. And he’s in a very similar situation to that previous kid? He’s also home alone and fending off a group of intruders? Come on now. Come on. There is absolutely no way. Which begs the question, why? You could just have it be Kevin again with a different actor. That’s been done. It’s within the cheap sequel playbook. Or, if you don’t want to do that play, have it be Kevin’s little brother. Or a cousin. Or someone that looks up to him. Tying this back to the original would’ve helped big time. Having it be completely separate is such a strange choice. It disappoints your audience AND makes everything feel less believable.
Also, maybe it’s just the fact that I’m getting older, but I’m pretty sure that our hero here, Alex, is way more sadistic than Kevin ever was. He’s just brutal. One of the first traps he creates is a freaking electric chair! Say what you will about the original but at least there’s nothing that’s used to put criminals down. Holy crap. But, of course, that’s not it. Apparently, paint cans aren’t good enough for the writers anymore. It’s a sequel after all. You have to up the ante. So, instead of paint cans, let’s have a weight bar with about 200 pounds on it drop on them instead. Sure. Because the paint can to the face wasn’t already a bit of a stretch. Then, he sets up a lawnmower to fall on a guy, blades first! You read that right. This kid almost decapitates someone! Merry Christmas, kids! Don’t try this at home. There’s more, of course. But, everything else just seems lightweight at nearly cutting a dude’s head off. Pretty sure there’s very little that can top that.
So, yeah, that’s Home Alone 3. For some reason, they just pretty much made the same movie again but decided not to tie it into the original at all and crank up the violence. It’s very weird. Nothing really works. Everything about this is strange. I mean… it’s not the worst movie I’ve seen this Christmas. It’s just a bizarre lesson on how not to make a sequel. I definitely don’t recommend it, obviously. Watch the original for the 100th time or catch the second one again. You’ll be better off for it. Just avoid this one. And, while I haven’t seen them, I can pretty much guarantee you should stay away from the fourth and fifth too. They didn’t make this list, but I’m positive that they’re also garbage. I mean… how did they not learn their lesson from this one?
Hello friends! Welcome back to Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever, where I’m going through and reviewing some of the worst Christmas movies ever made. It’s fun. Torturous, but fun. Let’s get to today’s movie.
I’m not going to lie. I don’t really have a whole lot to say about Jack Frost. Why? Because I have a very low tolerance for this type of movie. In case you haven’t picked this up yet, I can really, really love bad movies. I’m not talking about just bad movies. Not the ones that are just bad in an non-entertaining way. Those suck. I’m talking about the ones that missed the mark so badly that they’ve become a piece of art in their own right. There’s nothing better than getting your friends together and watching an absolute trainwreck. Cats. The Room. Troll 2. These are all “so bad they’re good” classics. But, here’s the thing: they all started off with the best intentions. None of these filmmakers set out to make one of the worst crimes ever to be put on the big screen. No. They wanted to entertain. To share a piece of their soul with the audience. They just failed miserably. The best of these make you wonder if the creators were even human. How can so many things go wrong? It’s quite the artform. Now, purposely making a movie like this can be done. You just have to be extremely delicate about it. You can tell the story with a wink and a nod, but you absolutely have to still play it semi-straight. The concept that someone could stumble upon your film and think it was actually just bad bad has to be within the realm of possibility. Movies like Kung Fury, Evil Dead 2, and Sharknado fit that mold perfectly. They’re mostly played straight, but just over the top enough that it’s comical. What absolutely does not work is when you try to make something bad on purpose and play everything for laughs. These almost always fail in my opinion. They’re trying too hard. You can feel the director saying “Isn’t this wacky and weird?” Sure. Yeah. It is. But, it’s also not entertaining. I’m no longer peering inside the mind of a crazy person. I’m seeing what someone sane thinks that crazy person would think about. It’s just not the same. You’ve circled all the way back around to just making a bad bad movie again. There’s no entertainment value at all.
And, well, Jack Frost definitely fits into that final category. You can tell that they purposely set out to make a B-list schlocky horror film that people would laugh at. Every single kill. Every one liner. Every moment. You can feel the creative team snickering behind the camera. And, well, it sucks. It feels very inauthentic. And, sure, you can claim that it’s a parody. But, if that’s true, shouldn’t I be laughing? There was one moment that actually made me chuckle and that’s it. For an hour and a half runtime, that’s really, really weak.
I know that this review is a lot different than the last couple I’ve written. I’m sorry if you were looking for me to point and laugh at all the silly parts in this movie. In a weird way, I feel like that’d be giving the creators of Jack Frost exactly what they want. And, I won’t have it. They haven’t deserved it. Plain and simple.
Also, the sequel, Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman, was originally on this list but has been removed. It’s from the same team. I’m going to assume they went into it with the same thought process. And, I really don’t want to essentially write-up the same thing twice. So, congratulations, 1998’s family film, Jack Frost. You’ve made it back onto the list! It’s only fitting, since the idea of the two of you being next to each other on Blockbuster shelves has intrigued me for decades.
Hey there, brother! Welcome back to Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever. It’s Christmas season 2020, so I figured I’d go through and review some of the worst Christmas movies ever. And, well, we’ve got another interesting one today. One that’s quite a bit different from anything else I’ve seen so far. Let’s jump into it.
Our movie today is Santa with Muscles. In it, Hulk Hogan plays a self-made, greedy millionaire who is hit on the head and tricked into thinking he’s Santa Claus. From there, he helps save an orphanage from another greedy millionaire. And, I’ll give you one guess as to what the biggest problem in this movie is. Just one. Think about it for like two seconds. Ready. One. Two. It’s Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan is a national treasure. He’s an icon for a reason. Everything about his wrestling persona works. But, do you know what Hulk Hogan isn’t very good at? Being anything but Hulk Hogan. And this movie is all the evidence I need to prove that. His line reading is stale. He’s not super funny. And, he just looks extremely awkward in that Santa suit. Like, it looks like a weird sex thing levels of awkward. Also, his character is on the run from the police. From what they show, it seems to be from a paintball fight that got out of hand. But, these police seem really into catching him. Like, they bring out a bazooka at one point. They don’t do that for a little bit of aggressive paintballing! Mix that with the fact that he’s really good at fighting. I think this guy is a massive criminal! Like a terrorist or something! It’s the only explanation. I cannot root for this guy until I figure out what his past crimes are.
Don’t worry though. Despite the title, this movie has more to it than a buff, oddly sexual looking Santa Claus. There are also a ridiculously over the top rogues gallery. These guys could be B-list Batman villains! You know, like the ones that the Adam West series just made up so a celebrity could make a cameo. Not any of the good villains. In this case, our lead villain is a germaphobe… I think. Or he actually has a super weak immune system. I don’t know. The joke is that he’s afraid of germs. Everything in his house is wrapped in plastic, he needs areas sanitized before he enters, and he wears a hazmat suit everywhere. Which is something to laugh at in 1996 but a real lifestyle choice in 2020. He’s also got a collection of henchmen wandering around with him. There’s a doctor who knows kung fu and makes bad puns. We’ve got a dude obsessed with gas, for some reason. A semi-racist portrayal of a sumo wrestler. And, a woman with Black Widow-esque electricity gloves. You know… for shocking people. Oh, and there’s an archeologist themed guy. It’s never explained at all. He makes one joke about turning someone into a fossil early on and is just there for the rest of the movie. I don’t understand. Am I missing something? Are archeologists scary? Anyways, this group wants to take over an orphanage because there are diamonds under it. Like, we see a mine very similar to the one in Snow White. But, also, these diamonds explode? Yeah, don’t ask me.
But, yeah, this movie is just as bad as you’d expect. I mean, it’s very much not a good sign that I hadn’t heard of this movie until I was an adult. I was born in 1992. I grew up on bad action comedies that were made for children. Do you know how many times I’ve seen Jingle All the Way? Too many! This movie fits into that same mold very nicely. But not once did any parent, family member, teacher, or daycare worker go “You know what, we should show the children Santa with Muscles.” Not a single damn time did anyone even mention this movie to me or any other child I was around growing up. They didn’t want to subject us to that torture. That alone says something. It’s so much worse than all of the shitty movies I grew up on. Plus, according to Wikipedia, it’s produced by Jordan Belfort. As in, Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in The Wolf of Wall Street, Jordan Belfort. ISide note: where was that scene in your movie, Mr. Scorsese?) This was probably a scam. This has got to be money laundering or something, right? It’s the only explanation for how something this terrible could ever exist. This many bad decisions don’t get made by people with good intentions. They just just don’t. I see you, Belfort. I see you.
Side note: Both Mila Kunis and the guy who played Jackie’s dad are in this movie two years before That 70s Show started. It doesn’t help make the movie better, but it’s a fun fact. Also, it makes it even harder for me to believe that Kunis tricked the producers of that show into thinking she’s 18 when this is what she looked like two years prior.
Hello, everyone! Welcome back to Dyl’s Worst Christmas Ever, where we go through and review some of the worst Christmas movies ever made. I’m about 1/3rd of the way through the challenge and have been stuck in a bit of a horror rut lately. That trend continues today as well. Is it at least watchable like the first Silent Night, Deadly Night? Or, even better yet, is it “so bad, it’s good” like the second? Let’s jump into it and find out.
The main thing that sticks out in Elves is the fact that the plot is balls to the wall insane. It involves, of course, killer elves. But, I guess they’re also Nazis? I don’t get it. Appently, Hitler and the Nazis had a thing for elves. They knew that they could use them as the master race. Because they are strong, fast, and basically indestructible, they’d be the perfect soldiers. So, they created this whole scheme where a virgin aryan woman would have to mate with an elf on Christmas Eve after hell fills up. Their offspring would lead to the perfect race, thus fulfilling Hitler’s legacy. I guess. Also, our lead character’s grandpa slept with her mom, who then gave birth to her. Because I guess that’s the best way to keep those aryan genes strong. I don’t know. It’s very complex and weird. Long story short, a bunch of Nazis are trying to get this girl to sleep with a killer elf from hell.
So, now that you are at least semi-familiar with the plot, you might be intrigued to give the movie a watch. I would not advise it. It’s a pretty dull, bad movie watching experience. Sure, there are definitely moments that’ll stick with me. For example, there’s the little brother spying on his naked sister. When he’s caught, he defends himself by saying “I’m not a pervert. I like looking at naked ladies.” and “You’ve got big fucking tits and I’m gonna tell everyone I saw them.” Yeah, that’s not a pervert at all. Perfectly normal things to say about your sister. Worst of all, this is never brought up again. It’s a weird like two minute scene and then he’s supposed to be the loveable, innocent little brother from that point on. Like, why does this scene even exist if it’s not some weird character development. Then there’s a handful of wonderful one-liners like, “How many teeth do you have?” *Punch* “How many now?” And, of course, there is the elf himself who is the ugliest puppet/guy in a suit you’ve ever seen. I’m not even sure it moves all that properly. How am I supposed to be scared of something with the movement of a toddler who just learned how to walk? Seriously, just push this thing over and run. It’d take him at least an hour to stand back up. But, unfortunately, all of this good stuff is surrounded by an hour and a half of crap. It’s just not worth it. There’s not enough good bad to balance out the bad bad.
But, if you have any interest at all in Elves, there is something I can recommend. A very awesome YouTuber put together a video titled “Elves (1989) in Five Minutes.” I’d highly advise checking it out. It gives you everything you need to know about this disaster. The plot is outlined. It shows off some of the more ridiculous moments. And, it’s only a five minute sacrifice. Trust me. That’s all you need. Anything else would be a waste. Take it from someone who’d know.
Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! And all that jazz! Because it’s still 2020, I’m doing a worst Christmas movies ever list. It’s mostly sucked. There’s been a few that I’ve enjoyed ironically, but, for the most part, they’ve been bad in the worst, mostly non-entertaining ways. Well, not today! Nope. This one is bad in ways that make me extremely happy. Let’s get into it.
Yesterday, I watched Silent Night, Deadly Night. And, honestly, I kinda liked it. If you went in knowing that you were going to watch a B-list slasher film, it met those expectations. The premise was fun. The lead was compelling. And, the kills were pretty good. Well, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is kind of like the Evil Dead 2 of this franchise. It’s a half-remake, half-sequel that serves laughs up better than it does scares. The only difference being that I’m not completely sure it was intentional here.
As I said yesterday, technically, I shouldn’t have watched the first Silent Night, Deadly Night. It didn’t quite make the cut. But, I felt weird just diving into the original so I cheated the system a bit. As it turns out, that was completely unnecessary. Because that movie exists within this one. According to Wikipedia, the producers of this movie originally asked the director to just recut the original movie in a way that could sell as a sequel. He refused, wanting to make a new, original story. They agreed as long as the budget didn’t increase. Of course, that was nearly impossible. Movies aren’t cheap. So, the final result is this weird hybrid of the producer’s vision and the director’s, as we open with a retelling of the first movie. I don’t mean in quick flashbacks either. We go over the entire story of Silent Night, Deadly Night. Beat for beat. For roughly 40 minutes. In this 90 minute movie. It’s so bad that I almost forgot that I was watching a new movie a couple of times. It just felt like I was rewatching something I’d just seen. That’ll teach me a lesson, going back and watching a movie before its sequel.
Then, we’re finally into new movie territory for the next hour. And, to be honest, I wasn’t sure I was going to like this sequel. It follows the exploits of the little brother from the original movie as he follows in his brother’s murderous footsteps. Unfortunately, his backstory isn’t quite as interesting and he’s just not as likeable. Plus, his first couple kills are just sorta meh. But boy does it get better. In one of the most insane sequences I’ve ever seen, our killer goes on a complete rampage after meeting up with his girlfriend’s ex. He just kind of walks down the street killing people at random, dropping one liners that don’t make any sense. And, if that weren’t enough, the lead is making some of the weirdest, campiest acting choices I’ve ever seen. Like, picture Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura, the serial killer, and you’re almost there. (If you want an example and don’t mind spoilers, look up garbage day on youtube. It’s worth it.) I’d give this guy all the props in the world if I knew he was doing it on purpose. But, that’s just the thing. I can’t tell if any of this is purposely funny. Were they going for camp? Or did they accidentally just stumble on a goldmine of it? Is this guy Bruce Campbell or Tommy Wiseau? You’d think it’d be easy for me to tell. But, I have no idea. Either way. It’s beautiful.
Then, without going into spoiler territory, he kind of wraps up the two movie arc in a, again, beautiful, campy, ridiculous way. I’m glad they did because, even though I was enjoying myself, it didn’t quite feel like a sequel up to that point. But, now it at least kind of feels like one long story. Like the sequel wasn’t a total cash grab. Even though the studio DEFINITELY wanted it to be.
And, that’s Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. Would I give it the same accolades I did the original? No. Not at all. I legitimately think the first one is a decent movie. This one is far, far from that. Did I love it just the same? Absolutely. I’d put this right up there with Troll 2 and The Room as one of my favorite bad movies ever made. I’d definitely recommend this for a “so bad, it’s good” night. Actually, I’d do a double feature between this and the first. But, you know, skip over the first 40 minutes of the second one. Or, I guess you could just watch the second. I do however think there’s a couple of smaller fun moments that didn’t quite make the shortened version though. You’d get the gist either way, but I’d definitely recommend making it a double feature. Heck, combined it’d only be two and a half hours. That’s only a little longer than It’s a Wonderful Life. Just sayin’. Also, I’m definitely going to carry on watching this franchise. I probably won’t write them up, because we’ve still got a lot of rotten crap to cover. But, I’m definitely intrigued to see where the franchise went from here. Especially since I enjoyed these two movies so much.
Anyways, I’d definitely recommend these movies. They’re a lot of fun, if you’re into campy, B-list horror flicks. If those aren’t your thing, stay far away.